My best friends are my worsts for my liver, my dignity, and my deeply hidden Sports Illustrated body. But! I would not have it any other way.
Best Friends… people you just hit it off with right off the bat… or stalk until they accept you as one of their own.
If your best friends don’t have an alter ego name for you then I feel bad for you, son. An alter ego name…? You know, a name you were given by your best friends so that when you wake up the next morning from a crazy night out, instead of feeling embarrassed by whatever happened, they comfort you by saying, “no, that wasn’t even you, that was Ursela Briefs.”
For example: If you were to wake up one Friday morning feeling mortified because you remember what you did last night, you have an ingrained excuse, that it wasn’t you. Such as: if you went to the boys intramural flag football game (on your dry, no alcohol allowed, campus) and you did a keg stand in the bed of your friends pickup truck and then proceeded to crab walk, (walk sideways) over to the football refs yelling, “I shawww you… callin’ the cops…Call the cops! Imma sotally tober. TOBER AS A GOAT! Ass. Mister, I’m so cool cuz Imma ass, ass. You tell the cops and Imma let them know that you don’t even know because youuuuuu… youuu…. are illiterate. BOOM, betch. Bye.” Yeah, if you were to wake up from something like that… you would wake up feeling mortified… but then you would hear your friends cracking up saying, “Ursela Briefs came out to play last night!” Then, you immediately take the blame off yourself and just mumble to yourself, “Ursela, you bitch.”
If you and your friends do not have alter ego names yet and want them… you must follow a couple ground rules. Rule #1: You do not get to name yourself or call for a “rename,” even if your name does end up to be Ursela Briefs. And most importantly, Rule #2: It can not be forced, it has to be earned. I will let you all in on our group chant but figuring it out will be completely up to your imagination, because that information is sacred.
“Phoebe Brothel, sink that cup. Betti Jo Jeeves, take a shot. Ursela Briefs, chug that beer. Dori Butch, pound that fist. Addie Eiffel, go get A-framed. Brady Grass, eat that lawn. Blaze Buttondown, be like Snoop. Khrista Asphalt, watch your step. Ashley Sage…. Hoop areeeeoola!” Disclaimer: if you have a dirty mind. Don’t. These are honestly all pretty innocent.
15 Reasons the Bests are the Worsts but I love it…
1. Everything You Do is Justifiable. “No, you guys, like I just told the bartender that I would get on the bar and pour liquor down peoples throats… I’m wearing a t-shirt and tennis shoes.” But they reply with, “It’s fine!! do it! I will come up to the bar so you can pour it down my throat and not stand up there awkwardly.” … “Okay, fine then… I will do it” 
2. The “If You Do It, I’ll Do It.” Who can say no to that? No matter what the idea… if your best friend says they will do it with you then it automatically transitions from a thought (because you know you probably should not try to enter the karaoke contest on the Spring Break stage in Panama City Beach because it is the last day and you do not even have a voice) into a must do.
Or if they literally jump off a cliff you will too, no matter how much you hate the feeling of receiving unexpected enemas by lake water…
3. Everyone is on an even playing field. As long as you are with them you never have to worry about getting “too drunk” because you know there will always be a friend on your same level… because you have drank the same amount of drinks and you are both the same “light weightedness,” or “hard assiness” because you have the same immunity to alcohol from always drinking together. 
4. Hazing. Every minute spent together is spent hazing one another. If you guys are bored from just day boozing and sitting around on the porch at a BBQ all day then you automatically think to yell across the patio, “Sam! Finish your beer!” and she doesn’t ask any questions or even hesitate before she starts just chugging her beer. She then reciprocates by Smirnoff “icing you.”
5. The stories that you and your friends will always remember and laugh about are the stories that you are going to have to explain at the Pearly Gates. You go on a float trip and get back from the river and are cracking up about how you just made a raft full of strangers make it rain jello shots on your raft and you decide it is time to brush your teeth… So, you grab a water bottle and wet your toothbrush and toothpaste and you are brushing… you are struggling with it a little bit because you are not sure why this toothpaste is exceptionally spicy today. Then, your friend, Nick, asks, “Hey Ash can I have a drink of that water?” you reply, “Yeah sure Nick but watch out because it is really spicy for some reason…” He takes a swig and spits it right out.. “Ashley! This is not spicy water! THIS IS VODKA! You are brushing your teeth with Vodka!” pause for a second, “Oh… okay that explains it… hey, remember when I said I wasn’t that drunk? I just changed my mind… I think I am pretty drunk” … “Yeah no shit, Ke$ha.”
6. The Things That Your Mom Would Frown Upon are Your Biggest Victories. “We got a free happy hour for dancing on the bar!!” or “OMG, you guys… my dad just texted me and told me we are on Chive! Under the “Sooo… you got wasted” section!” Your biggest claim to fame in your personal life is your Achilles heel in your professional life. 
7. You Don’t Say No. “Hey, you want to go to Taco Tuesday and get a Taco and a few margaritas before our next meeting?” “Hey, you want to wake up early so we can drink before we go on this class field trip?” “I’m bored. Are you studying? Take a break. Let’s drink.” “Hey, the sun is out. Let’s go drink on the porch.” “Hey, lets dress up as trolls for Halloween.” Please tell me you would ever say no to any of these questions/demands asked/told by your best friends. Exactly, you wouldn’t. You can’t. It’s not a thing. It’s not physically possible.
8. Being in the Public Eye Becomes The Last Thing On Your Mind. And sometimes it is even your enabler. You get caught up in “Out Weirding” each other and forget you are in public. 
9. Your Safety Is Never an Issue. Someone yells out “HARDCORE PARKOUR!” So you jump. You don’t hesitate and think about what is around or where you are at. You use every prop in the space around you to jump off of. Even if you are going 45 mph on the lake in a boat. 
10. You Put Each Other Before Everything. Priorities. That is all. 
11. Hangovers Never Seem as Bad When You Are With Them. Although this might sound like a good thing. You have an excuse to drink again the next night because you just went with your friends to get Peach Sprites from Sonic and now you feel like a complete champion. Regardless of the spider trap you had caught in your hair this morning from accidentally passing out on it the night before, the spider trap along with about eight little spider friends that must have passed out in the trap, as well.
12. They Never say “No” to an Adventure. They will never leave you alone when you tell them you are going on an adventure and if they do it is only because your spastic A.D.D self ran out of the bar too fast for them to even see.
13. You Are Confused by What is Acceptable and What is Not. You are so used to your friends standards of acceptable, which is; absolutely everything as long as it is gets a laugh. So, when you are told by your parents or professors how important it is to clean up you social media, you are completely confused while going through pictures on what can stay and what has to go. You do know for sure that pictures with alcohol should go. Or pictures like this:
But you are not a hundred percent certain if you are allowed to keep pictures where you know you are wasted in them because you remember the night… but you don’t think anyone else will know. So, you end up with your Facebook photo album looking like this:
14. FOMO. Fear of missing out. You want to do everything together whether it is the best for you or not. “What classes are you in this semester? Lets try to get in the same ones.” … “Okay, there are five spots in this Literature class… perfect we will each get a spot.” … “Oh yeah, perfect! I don’t need that class but who doesn’t want a Literature class as one of their electives?” Or you want to work on the same nights and you know that Sam is a shot girl at the banquet downstairs at the restaurant you two work at… So, you ask your boss if you can please please work that night too… You convince him that he really needs you to work and it is the best for the banquet. So he ends finding a position for you…
15. You Attract Real Class Acts. Because you do whatever feels right regardless of where you are or whose around and act like a crazy, carefree, no filtered, lunatic when you are with your Bests you end up being quoted on social media:
And because of that, you end up attracting the same type of people and you end up with things like this:
16. It is hard to make new friends after you have found them. It is hard because it is a fine line to walk while you are testing the waters with them on how weird you are actually allowed to be… It is also hard because you can’t help but compare everyone to your Bests but you know you should not do that because you know no one actually has even a remotely close shot of measuring up to your people.
But at the end of the day, you guys are the best for each other. Because you see the best in one another and want each other to be the best person they can be. You work hard play hard and make sure everyone is in check. Because you care. And because you need them to be at the celebratory parties.
Also, you are the best for one another because you have GPS trackers on each others phones to constantly monitor and make sure you are at work and not at your douchbag exes house.
nakedforyou 