nakedforyou

Is That Weird?

What have I been doing and why haven’t I blogged since ‘nam? Well, I live by myself so no one can call my phone for me when I lose it. Which means, all of my time has gone to finding my phone every 12 minutes. So how did I make the time to blog right now? Well… I outsmarted the system. I have set an alarm on my phone to go off every 30 minutes. That way when I lose my phone I don’t fret because I know I will find it when the alarm goes off. Currently, I am relaxed and drinking a glass…a bottle of wine, with my phone… probably somewhere in the couch cushions but its not phasing me because I know I will find it in about 28 minutes when the alarm goes off. I am excelling at life. Side note: I also haven’t blogged in awhile because my doctor “un-prescribed” me from my Vyvanse because, in his words, I was “up to something.” My life, I swear…

Anyways, this post was inspired by Nick and Jess from New Girl. If you don’t know anything about New Girl then skip these next few sentences and enjoy reading some confusing facts about me. If you have seen the New Girl, I am referencing the episode where Schmidt says he is going to break Nick and Jess up. So, Nick and Jess say every weird thing about themselves so Schmidt will have no material to use against them. Which made me think “hmm what are weird things I would say about myself…”

Okay here we go… I would feel a lot better if people tell me they can relate to some of these things but I have a feeling that is just not going to be the case.

When I arrive to my hotel room in a new city, I immediately feel the need to show the city a quick glance of my naked body by flashing my hotel window, is that weird?
I am not fully convinced that dinosaurs don’t still walk among us and that they are just smaller than we expected and I am extremely hopeful that my theory is correct, is that logical?
My friends and I have discovered that you can get someone to do anything you tell them to do by chanting their name and it is now a tool I use in my everyday life, is that subtle?
I cannot tell a story and/or speak at all unless I am standing up and using my whole body to reenact exactly what happened with every detail included, is that obnoxious?
Every time I see a dance floor, I immediately get the urge to put both of my feet together, tighten my body into a pencil and jump as high and as fast as I can, right in the middle of the floor. Due to experience, I also expect my herd of 15 girlfriends to join me at any time, is that weird? Same urge occurs when I hear “Starships.”
I am extremely outgoing and can talk to anyone but I freeze up and get really shy when I HAVE to talk to someone. Such as; the pizza man, a new potential friend someone tried to set me up with, the doctor, you get the point, is that weird?
The texture and concept of milk gives me the heebie jeebies and I would rather be dead than watch someone drink it but I could probably (definitely) eat a bottle of ranch by the spoonful, is that weird? #RanchChallenge2016 Lets go.
I consistently have dishes in my sink, two piles of laundry, and several piles of hoarded junk because I might need it some day (example: I have had a suitcase in my office for weeks that is filled with: an empty collapsible binder, a blown up picture of my college literature class, a pack of tuna, a Garmin, carpenters pencils, a workout Flipbelt, and a charger to an old MacBook) but if someone leaves their crumbs on the table or too many pairs of their shoes out then I get anxiety, is that weird?
I cannot justify buying decorations for my apartment but when Christmas comes along it looks like Michaels and Targets holiday section threw up so much that my place could be featured in a Holiday catalog, is that practical?
I don’t NOT have full conversations with Siri, my reflection in the mirror, or inanimate objects throughout my apartment, is that sane?
Since I was four, I have had vivid nightmares about frogs, toads, and tadpoles. Also, my shoulders just tensed up to my ears while typing frogs, toads, and tadpoles. They did it again. Is that weird?
I completely psych myself out and get really scared because I think strangers are following me but the other day when I saw my stalker, at a bar looking at me and crying and he does not even live in this state and I didn’t even think he knew that I lived in this state (TX) because the last time I saw him was when he showed up at my door in Seattle (See previous post: “Low Self-Esteem: Get A Stalker), I started laughing and thought it was a funny situation and I didn’t feel scared at all, is that weird?

Unfortunately, I am pretty positive that there will be a sequel to this weird things about me post because I am sure there are plenty more unusual things that I do and think. So, stay tuned.

Later Idiots.

16 Reasons Why My Bests are My Worsts…

My best friends are my worsts for my liver, my dignity, and my deeply hidden Sports Illustrated body. But! I would not have it any other way.

Best Friends… people you just hit it off with right off the bat… or stalk until they accept you as one of their own.

If your best friends don’t have an alter ego name for you then I feel bad for you, son. An alter ego name…? You know, a name you were given by your best friends so that when you wake up the next morning from a crazy night out, instead of feeling embarrassed by whatever happened, they comfort you by saying, “no, that wasn’t even you, that was Ursela Briefs.”

For example: If you were to wake up one Friday morning feeling mortified because you remember what you did last night, you have an ingrained excuse, that it wasn’t you. Such as: if you went to the boys intramural flag football game (on your dry, no alcohol allowed, campus) and you did a keg stand in the bed of your friends pickup truck and then proceeded to crab walk, (walk sideways) over to the football refs yelling, “I shawww you… callin’ the cops…Call the cops! Imma sotally tober. TOBER AS A GOAT! Ass. Mister, I’m so cool cuz Imma ass, ass. You tell the cops and Imma let them know that you don’t even know because youuuuuu… youuu…. are illiterate. BOOM, betch. Bye.” Yeah, if you were to wake up from something like that… you would wake up feeling mortified… but then you would hear your friends cracking up saying, “Ursela Briefs came out to play last night!” Then, you immediately take the blame off yourself and just mumble to yourself, “Ursela, you bitch.”

If you and your friends do not have alter ego names yet and want them… you must follow a couple ground rules. Rule #1: You do not get to name yourself or call for a “rename,” even if your name does end up to be Ursela Briefs. And most importantly, Rule #2: It can not be forced, it has to be earned. I will let you all in on our group chant but figuring it out will be completely up to your imagination, because that information is sacred.

“Phoebe Brothel, sink that cup. Betti Jo Jeeves, take a shot. Ursela Briefs, chug that beer. Dori Butch, pound that fist. Addie Eiffel, go get A-framed. Brady Grass, eat that lawn. Blaze Buttondown, be like Snoop. Khrista Asphalt, watch your step. Ashley Sage…. Hoop areeeeoola!” Disclaimer: if you have a dirty mind. Don’t. These are honestly all pretty innocent.

15 Reasons the Bests are the Worsts but I love it…

1. Everything You Do is Justifiable. “No, you guys, like I just told the bartender that I would get on the bar and pour liquor down peoples throats… I’m wearing a t-shirt and tennis shoes.” But they reply with, “It’s fine!! do it! I will come up to the bar so you can pour it down my throat and not stand up there awkwardly.” … “Okay, fine then… I will do it”

2. The “If You Do It, I’ll Do It.” Who can say no to that? No matter what the idea… if your best friend says they will do it with you then it automatically transitions from a thought (because you know you probably should not try to enter the karaoke contest on the Spring Break stage in Panama City Beach because it is the last day and you do not even have a voice) into a must do.

Or if they literally jump off a cliff you will too, no matter how much you hate the feeling of receiving unexpected enemas by lake water…

3. Everyone is on an even playing field. As long as you are with them you never have to worry about getting “too drunk” because you know there will always be a friend on your same level… because you have drank the same amount of drinks and you are both the same “light weightedness,” or “hard assiness” because you have the same immunity to alcohol from always drinking together.

4. Hazing. Every minute spent together is spent hazing one another. If you guys are bored from just day boozing and sitting around on the porch at a BBQ all day then you automatically think to yell across the patio, “Sam! Finish your beer!” and she doesn’t ask any questions or even hesitate before she starts just chugging her beer. She then reciprocates by Smirnoff “icing you.”

5. The stories that you and your friends will always remember and laugh about are the stories that you are going to have to explain at the Pearly Gates. You go on a float trip and get back from the river and are cracking up about how you just made a raft full of strangers make it rain jello shots on your raft and you decide it is time to brush your teeth… So, you grab a water bottle and wet your toothbrush and toothpaste and you are brushing… you are struggling with it a little bit because you are not sure why this toothpaste is exceptionally spicy today. Then, your friend, Nick, asks, “Hey Ash can I have a drink of that water?” you reply, “Yeah sure Nick but watch out because it is really spicy for some reason…” He takes a swig and spits it right out.. “Ashley! This is not spicy water! THIS IS VODKA! You are brushing your teeth with Vodka!” pause for a second, “Oh… okay that explains it… hey, remember when I said I wasn’t that drunk? I just changed my mind… I think I am pretty drunk” … “Yeah no shit, Ke$ha.”

6. The Things That Your Mom Would Frown Upon are Your Biggest Victories. “We got a free happy hour for dancing on the bar!!” or “OMG, you guys… my dad just texted me and told me we are on Chive! Under the “Sooo… you got wasted” section!” Your biggest claim to fame in your personal life is your Achilles heel in your professional life.

7. You Don’t Say No. “Hey, you want to go to Taco Tuesday and get a Taco and a few margaritas before our next meeting?” “Hey, you want to wake up early so we can drink before we go on this class field trip?” “I’m bored. Are you studying? Take a break. Let’s drink.” “Hey, the sun is out. Let’s go drink on the porch.” “Hey, lets dress up as trolls for Halloween.” Please tell me you would ever say no to any of these questions/demands asked/told by your best friends. Exactly, you wouldn’t. You can’t. It’s not a thing. It’s not physically possible.

8. Being in the Public Eye Becomes The Last Thing On Your Mind. And sometimes it is even your enabler. You get caught up in “Out Weirding” each other and forget you are in public.

9. Your Safety Is Never an Issue. Someone yells out “HARDCORE PARKOUR!” So you jump. You don’t hesitate and think about what is around or where you are at. You use every prop in the space around you to jump off of. Even if you are going 45 mph on the lake in a boat.

10. You Put Each Other Before Everything. Priorities. That is all.

11. Hangovers Never Seem as Bad When You Are With Them. Although this might sound like a good thing. You have an excuse to drink again the next night because you just went with your friends to get Peach Sprites from Sonic and now you feel like a complete champion. Regardless of the spider trap you had caught in your hair this morning from accidentally passing out on it the night before, the spider trap along with about eight little spider friends that must have passed out in the trap, as well.

12. They Never say “No” to an Adventure. They will never leave you alone when you tell them you are going on an adventure and if they do it is only because your spastic A.D.D self ran out of the bar too fast for them to even see.

13. You Are Confused by What is Acceptable and What is Not. You are so used to your friends standards of acceptable, which is; absolutely everything as long as it is gets a laugh. So, when you are told by your parents or professors how important it is to clean up you social media, you are completely confused while going through pictures on what can stay and what has to go. You do know for sure that pictures with alcohol should go. Or pictures like this:

But you are not a hundred percent certain if you are allowed to keep pictures where you know you are wasted in them because you remember the night… but you don’t think anyone else will know. So, you end up with your Facebook photo album looking like this:

14. FOMO. Fear of missing out. You want to do everything together whether it is the best for you or not. “What classes are you in this semester? Lets try to get in the same ones.” … “Okay, there are five spots in this Literature class… perfect we will each get a spot.” … “Oh yeah, perfect! I don’t need that class but who doesn’t want a Literature class as one of their electives?” Or you want to work on the same nights and you know that Sam is a shot girl at the banquet downstairs at the restaurant you two work at… So, you ask your boss if you can please please work that night too… You convince him that he really needs you to work and it is the best for the banquet. So he ends finding a position for you…

15. You Attract Real Class Acts. Because you do whatever feels right regardless of where you are or whose around and act like a crazy, carefree, no filtered, lunatic when you are with your Bests you end up being quoted on social media:

And because of that, you end up attracting the same type of people and you end up with things like this:

16. It is hard to make new friends after you have found them. It is hard because it is a fine line to walk while you are testing the waters with them on how weird you are actually allowed to be… It is also hard because you can’t help but compare everyone to your Bests but you know you should not do that because you know no one actually has even a remotely close shot of measuring up to your people.

But at the end of the day, you guys are the best for each other. Because you see the best in one another and want each other to be the best person they can be. You work hard play hard and make sure everyone is in check. Because you care. And because you need them to be at the celebratory parties.

Also, you are the best for one another because you have GPS trackers on each others phones to constantly monitor and make sure you are at work and not at your douchbag exes house.

True Life: My Best Friend is a Model

Okay, tonight you are going to look HOT. I mean hotter than hot. You are going to even watch Youtube tutorials of how to do “the perfect bedroom eye.” You are going to curl your hair, a nice tousled wave and you are going to shave your legs because you just got this sexy little dress from Bebe earlier today that makes your A cups look like B’s… Okay, maybe just a full A, but that’s neither here nor there. You are going out and you are going to break necks. Girls, you know those kind of nights, right? So, you call up your best friend, Jacey, and tell her you two are going out tonight. She says okay! She shows up in some jeans with not much make up on but still looks flawless. Oh well, whatever right? So, you walk into the bar and heads turn and you are feeling like a QUEEN because everyone is staring at you… but reality slowly sinks in… You have Jacey, a paid L.A. model standing right behind you…

Struggles of your best friend being a model:

1. The comparison of Instagram photos. You post a photo on Instagram and think to yourself, “haha this is awesome! I look like such a fun person.” And then Jacey posts… your thoughts immediately go to, “wait… what am I even doing with my life?”

2. Having to Seize the Moment. When she says she is just going to look casual for the night, you use it as your chance to try to look better and you get all dolled up. Then, she asks, “Ash, I thought we were going casual? You are wearing a dress, is that new? I have never seen it and it has the tags on it.” …My nonchalant response being, “Oh this old thing? No Jay, I just threw it on, you know it was easier than finding two things that matched.” … “Ash you are literally wearing heels” … “Yeah, they are so comfy though…” And this is how you two end up looking :

3. Pool Days. “Hey Ash, lets pack a cooler and meet the guys at the pool.” Immediate panic. “Wait, today? Maybe we should go next week” … *Internal thoughts* That will give me time to fast for seven days, maybe join a Yoga class or a Boxing Gym, layout on my deck to get a little bronze action going because if you can’t tone it…you tan it, get some teeth whitener so they focus on that and not my sun burnt face that I will get within 12 minutes of being in the sun, and put some lemon juice in my hair to make it a little blonder. You think I am being irrational? Okay, you tell me how confident you would feel showing up to the pool with this superhuman:

So you try to distract with humor:

4. Mornings. When you wake up from a night out and your hair is just everywhere. Like, is that a legitimate dreadlock? You feel like your eyes are glued shut from your mascara and you just know you have complete raccoon eyes. You roll over to laugh about it with Jacey and the way she looks just pisses you off so you go back to bed. She can honestly sing “I woke up like dis,” because:

5. Pictures Together. There it is.. the question you knew was coming, “Hey Ash, lets get a pic!” So you immediately start racking your brain, “Okay, what all did she tell me about how to pose for a picture? Oh right, lift your head up, push your neck out, and chin down..” Okay I’m ready…. *looks at picture* “Yeah Jay, sooo cute!” But, in your head “I am going to edit the shit out of this.” And you end up making yourself look like some sort of fictional cartoon character:

6. Comparing Careers. When you get excited because you were asked to do a photo shoot. Because be honest with yourself, everyone wants to be in a photo shoot. You get to feel special, like the “chosen one.” Because they picked YOU to do the shoot. So, getting asked at work to do a photo shoot by the Marketing team is pretty exciting, right? I can’t wait to tell my model friend that I model, too! Except for, when you work for a construction company and your photo shoots turn out like this:

instead of this…

7. Matching Outfits. When you think it would be adorable to have the same Halloween costume as your best friend. So, you guys buy matching Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader outfits. As you are still in sweats putting on your make-up she comes out in her costume and you immediately reevaluate all of your decisions, not just on the costume. But, in life, because if you made this bad of a decision to try to match with your model friend then what other horrible decisions have you made? So, you pretend you lost your costume top and find an old jersey from the bottom of your dresser drawer…

8. Guys at Bars. They come walking up to you while Jacey is in the bathroom. “Hey girl, can I buy you a drink” … “Me? Oh yeah sure! I’ll have a Budweiser… Oh, I-I-I mean just a vodka soda, I’m watching my calories.” We talk for a little bit, having fun… and then the long anticipated underlying question… “Is your friend single…” Dear six pound-eight ounce, don’t even know words yet, just so cute and so cuddly, infant Lord baby Jesus. Awkward laugh while saying “no she is not, sorry.” And then Jacey sits at the bar looking over her shoulder like “what are you guys talking about?” Oh nothing much, just how your beautiful face is a major cock block for me… (Innapropriate: but I really just mean potential boyfriend blocker)

9. Just this:

10. The Stragglers. So you use her to pick up the scraps:

You get relieved on a night that you are going out with your college roomies instead because you might actually get some attention tonight! But, then you remember that your college roommates are the calendar models for Budweiser…

So, then you just go hang out with Amanda…

P.S. No Amandas were hurt in the making of this blog.

How Facebook Engagement Announcements Cause A Brief Mind F*ck

So, you have had a GREAT single “me-day”… for your eighty-first day in a row… You plop down on your sofa because you are pretty exhausted from just carrying your new office desk (which you still have to put together like some sort of lumber jack) or 25 bags of groceries up four stories of stairs to your one-bedroom apartment in only one trip because YOU ARE SPARTA! You then decide to open Facebook, forgetting the current epidemic.. And hoop, there it is… “Life Event: Bob and Sally are now engaged!” The roller coaster of emotions begins…

Programmed Reaction: Awww, good for them!
Real Reaction: I mean….it’s their fucking funeral.
Examining Reaction: Wait, they are two years younger than I am.
Hypothesis Reaction: She must be pregnant.
Preventative Reaction: I better open a bottle or four bottles of wine tonight, again.
Stone Cold Lie to Yourself Reaction: I’m so free, I love my life #blessed.
I Am Not Alone Reaction: You know what… I wonder if my friends have seen this shit.
Reassuring You Aren’t the Only One Reaction: *Texts Groupme* “Another one bites the dust” *Friends chime in “yeah so ridiculous”* Except for the friends who are in a relationship, who then respond with: “Hey, what’s everyone doin tonight??”
Using Others Misfortune to Feel Better Reaction: Well, I have at least 3 other friends who will be single for awhile so I’m good… It’s fine… I’m fine… Especially Becky, if I don’t get married before her then I will start to actually worry.
Oh Shit Reaction: What was that Becky? Oh, you and Jared are official? Oh my god!! Sooo exciting! …. shit…
Can’t Convince Yourself to Feel Better So Start Using Scientific Data Reaction: *Starts going over statistics in head about divorce rate*
Reassurance Reaction: Yeah… no… I am fine because once I do get married/find any sort of contender at all, we will never get divorced.
Make Your Life Seems Better Off Reaction: Poor girl can’t have fun anymore, she is all tied down.
Reality Setting In Reaction: Wait, what the hell am I going to do tonight? I have just drank a full bottle of wine and I cant waste a “tipsy” on just staying in.
Reality Fully Set Reaction: I’m so alone.
Conclusion Reaction: Whatever, I am going out without them and am going to bring back some crazy stories/ maybe if I go out I will find someone to marry.
Just Kidding I’m Already Drunk Reaction:

Facebook Engagement Announcements: I am sure you will be receiving a “Thank You” card from Chateau St. Michelle Vineyards very soon.

Quick Fix for Low Self-Esteem: Get a Stalker

Because of who I am I deem it only necessary to start this new website of mine off with a funny little story. If I get a little wordy…blame my mother. You can also blame my obnoxious enthusiasm I get when telling a story. Really though, who can sit down and tell a story? I have to have a whole production going. Sitting down and typing a story is a new thing for me so bare with me.

So, let me just set this up for you. I just graduated college and received a job in Seattle, WA. I had a month of summer before I had to move up there, a state I have never been to that was on a coast I have never even been to. I would go from living with four of my best girlfriends and being surrounded by family and friends to living in a one-bedroom apartment thousands of miles away from anyone I knew, alone. Before I had to go up into what I now call “isolation,” my family and I decided to take a trip to Mexico! Get a little bit of fiesta in with my people real quick.

We get to the Hard Rock hotel in Cancun and this place was incredible! It had a night club built into it with a DJ and lights going crazy and an indoor swimming pool inside the club! So, at this night club I meet this group of guys. I was talking to one of them (who was shorter but bulky but in a muscular way) because I thought he would be my “in” to talk to his tall blonde friend. I finally started talking to Blondie and then Bulky got mad and ran away so then Blondie had to chase him, goodnight to them. Next morning, we (my sister and I) see them at the pool and I find out Blondie likes my, five years younger but hotter than me, sister… so I say, “whatever I’ll talk to Bulky because we still have a week here and they are fun.” So yadda yadda vacation goes on and we hang out with them more and I exchange numbers with Bulky (after probably about 12 kamikaze shots).

I get back to Missouri and Bulky goes back to where he was from, I think Denver? But we continue texting. I move to Seattle, we continue to text and Facetime. I have him come visit me in Seattle, because homegirl is lonely! We ride the Seattle ferris wheel and do all touristy things. Then he leaves, and he starts texting me that he loves me! A few things wrong with that right? And he also starts getting angry if I let five minutes go by without texting him back. So, I’m like wayho that is moving pretty fast and you are being crazy and I tell him that I’m not feeling it anymore and I don’t want to talk anymore, that “we are done with whatever this was.” Well… I don’t think he liked that too much…

A few days after telling him this, I am laying on my couch after work and almost asleep. I hear a knock on my door… Do you know how terrifying hearing knocks on your door is when you live alone and you didn’t order pizza! I look out my peep hole and I don’t see anything. Hmm, weird. I open my door slowly and staring straight back at me was Bulky… Bulky and his TWO, yes two, heavy-duty, very large, roll away suitcases. Ummmm….

He walks in… crying, and sits on my couch… I am awkwardly standing at my front door. He kept apologizing and saying how much he loved me. Remember in my previous blog about how I said I’m an awkward human? Yeah well all I could think to say to him was… “I need to call my mom.” So, he went on a “walk” and I called my mom and the conversation went like this:

“MOM! What the hell do I do, Bulky just showed up at my door with two suitcases!”

“Ashley, what do you mean? Are you okay? That is so creepy!”

“Yeah I know, I’m scared. I don’t know what he is going to do when I tell him he cant stay here because he is already crying and looking crazy.”

“Text “911” on your phone but don’t send it to me unless you need to after you tell him to leave”

“Okay.”

I call him back in and I tell him he needs to leave. He then begins to cry harder and say he does not have money to get back. Wait, what?! The two suitcases make sense now. He thinks he is going to move in with me… I guess I should have gathered that when he first walked in and told me he quit his job. I guess “I don’t want to talk anymore you are way too much for me” transfers to “Hey, come move in with me.” Noted. I felt awful but told him “I’m sorry but you really have to go.” He then sits back on my couch (I am awkwardly at my kitchen table texting all my friends) he starts bawling and he calls Blondie, on SPEAKERPHONE, and cries to him saying “I’m not doing good man, she won’t take me back I don’t know how to get back.” If Mr.Webster was sitting in the room he would have changed his definition of “awkward” to: “when a girl tells a guy to leave and then he sits down on her couch and starts weeping to his friend on speakerphone talking about her right in front of her and she is sitting there wondering if he heard the “you need to leave my place” part.” Keep in mind: we have hung out twice and texted. He eventually leaves, but not after he grabs me and gives me a huge bear hug that almost crushes my bones while my arms are still straight down my sides… Safe to say I stayed up all night terrified he would find his way back in. When my mom told my dad what happened he said he got in his truck, in Missouri, and just started driving, thinking he was coming to help. Bless Chesters soul.

Okay! So that happened. I tell my coworkers and they are freaked out but also laughing about it. Months go by and I have blocked him from everything so I’m like okay cool he is gone and I’m done with that weird incident.

I come home from work one day and go to the mail room because I am expecting my comforter from my parents. Here is the dialogue with the mail man (who I had become friends with already):

“Hey, anything in there for me?”

“Yeah! A big box.”

“Perfect, my comforter!”

“Its from *Insert Bulky’s first and last name*”

“Noooooo… No Paul, that name is not on that box, it can’t be that name, that is my stalker. You meant to say Shellie Bratton right?”

“Stalker? You have a stalker? Oh… well we could just return it to sender?”

“Wellllll…, I meannnn…, what if it’s like chocolate or something though and like fun things… maybe I should just open it.”

“Ash… you are going to open a package from your stalker?”

“WAIT! You don’t think he is in it, do you?”

“The package is six pounds.”

“Okay, so he’s probably not in it… yeah I will just like open it outside or something.” ….. because opening it outside makes any sort of difference in the world?

I bring it back to my apartment, well my front door step. I open it… first, I find… a mixed cd…okay, thank you sixth grade boyfriend, then I pull out a three page letter on all of the things he “loves” about me and I don’t know what else because I got too creeped out to continue reading it… lastly, I pulled out, which explains why the box said “fragile” on it… a hand-made full-functioning ferris wheel, made from sticks and hot glue, and in each basket, rolled up, were pictures of me… because WE RODE THE FERRIS WHEEL ONE TIME!

I don’t even want to know how long that took him to do while sitting in his mothers basement but wow… I didn’t know if I should return to sender so that he didn’t think I kept it or if then he would get mixed signals if I sent it back thinking if she put this much effort into sending it back then she cares… I ended up just throwing it all away… after I took a picture and sent it to all my friends, of course.

I guess my moral of this story is… having a stalker made me feel kind of pretty and desirable so if you are ever feeling down, go to a resort in Mexico and just pick yourself up a stalker. That advice is completely free, this time, you’re welcome. 😉

Who the heck are ya?

Wondering who the heck I am? Well I’m just a girl wondering: “What in the world a blog is?!”

Okay, “tell something about myself”… I am a 23 year old, St. Charles Missouri native who just got done living in Seattle, WA for a year and is currently living in Austin, Texas. I have forgotten where commas are appropriate and where they are not and I have working in construction to blame for that. I have danced and played soccer all my life and I think I did every intramural sport I could sign up for in college, which was University of Central Missouri for me. GO MULES! Yes… Mules. I went to high school at THE St. Dominic, where upon graduation I was elected into a position that carried much responsibility and enormous dedication when my class awarded me with the highly prestigious and highly sought after title of… “Class Clown.” A moment I would brand as the pinnacle of my high school career although my guidance counselor did not seem to agree considering she “strongly suggested” I take it off the headline of my resume/completely off my resume all together.

I have a difficulty believing that people care to take their time to read what I have to say. Especially, because of how all over the place I am. I go from diving deep into my faith into the next day completely questioning it, and from having the times of my life feeling like the happiest girl to feeling completely down, and from (as Queen Bey) would say “feelin’ myself” to feeling like Princess Fiona ogre style. So, if you are confused by what you are reading just know it’s not your fault. It is because you are reading something by a confused girl, a confused girl who loves run-on sentences! And of course, I will add in funny stories that have happened to me along the way, stories that have caused people to say to me, “I wish you would write a book.” I am a very awkward human and apparently awkward situations follow awkward humans.

Disclaimer: I have no set theme for this site. I’m not a one-theme kind of person, I have six pairs of cowboys boots and six pairs of Converse… That should explain it all right there. I am just going to write as if I am journaling and talking to myself and if it reaches or touches one person out there… then mission accomplished.

In this site, I am stripping down, “getting naked” and completely opening up, all in hopes to maybe helping someone out there or just giving someone a laugh. Getting naked for you.

So, if I didn’t already scare you away… Come on and come read my craziness.

P.s… Instagram: ashleybratto17

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